The Blog of Elemental Evil

When hinges creak in doorless chambers, and strange and frightening sounds echo through the halls... Whenever candlelights flicker where the air is deathly still... that is the time when ghosts are present, practicing their terror with ghoulish delight.

Welcome, foolish mortals, to the Haunted Blog. I am your host, your... "immortal" host. Kindly step all the way in please, and make room for everyone. There's no turning back now.

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May 1, 2009

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09:59 am - Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Oompa, Loompa, Doomity-doo...

Shoo!  Out!  Damnit, I'd have it sprayed around here if there was anything strong enough to kill off those damned Oompa-loompas, but the only effect the best stuff on the market generally has is making the place smell vaguely of lilac carpet powder that's been used to cover up the stench of wet sick in a nursing home.

Where was I?  Oh yes.  Today's journal entry.

While in this day and age I have a veritable selection of mushroom-cloud shaped ways of dealing with my foes, it's sometimes pleasant to reminisce on the ways of old.

One of these very ways was brought to mind the other day when I dropped a loaf of european-style ("european" left intentionally uncapitalized as I do not recognize them as a noun) bread on my foot.

Though indestructible, I broke three titanium-laced metatarsals and ruined a good pair of steel-toed combat boots.

Poor, deluded Americans with your bleached, fluffy, enriched-wheat "Wonder" bread (and other various non-branded store varieties).  If you only knew the power of true european bakery goods, you would quake in fear and cower in your storm cellars until being relieved to discover that no ship is bouyant enough to transport them across large bodies of saltwater.  With a nigh-inpenetrable outer shell and the interior density of a neutron star, they have been known to lay waste to large swaths of land around their impact point.

In the late 19th and early 20th century, Precision-crafted German engineered breads were prized for their effectiveness -- they were accurate when launched from almost 50 km away and left a crater nearly a kilometer wide.  They were constructed from the densest baking ingredients known to man: flour which has been painstakingly extracted from the deep grain-mines of the Alps; water which has been taken from the Mariana trench itself; yeast colonies almost as large as a lumberjack's thumb.  The loaves were cast, not baked -- each was placed into a thermally-resistant ceramic mold and lowered into a volcanic flow to temper; only once the lava cooled and solidified were they chipped out and recovered -- and the rising process itself took nearly a week and the distilled souls of three unwanted orphan children.

Yes, indeed.  Those German Zerstörungbroten were the most destructive long-ranged technology and delicious sandwich encasement available.  Until replaced by the British rocket-propelled Yorkshire pudding, of course.