Elementally Evil

Oompa, Loompa, Doomity-doo...

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 17:59:27 GMT

Shoo! Out! Damnit, I'd have it sprayed around here if there was anything strong enough to kill off those damned Oompa-loompas, but the only effect the best stuff on the market generally has is making the place smell vaguely of lilac carpet powder that's been used to cover up the stench of wet sick in a nursing home.

Where was I? Oh yes. Today's journal entry.

While in this day and age I have a veritable selection of mushroom-cloud shaped ways of dealing with my foes, it's sometimes pleasant to reminisce on the ways of old.

One of these very ways was brought to mind the other day when I dropped a loaf of european-style ("european" left intentionally uncapitalized as I do not recognize them as a noun) bread on my foot.

Though indestructible, I broke three titanium-laced metatarsals and ruined a good pair of steel-toed combat boots.

Poor, deluded Americans with your bleached, fluffy, enriched-wheat "Wonder" bread (and other various non-branded store varieties). If you only knew the power of true european bakery goods, you would quake in fear and cower in your storm cellars until being relieved to discover that no ship is bouyant enough to transport them across large bodies of saltwater. With a nigh-inpenetrable outer shell and the interior density of a neutron star, they have been known to lay waste to large swaths of land around their impact point.

In the late 19th and early 20th century, Precision-crafted German engineered breads were prized for their effectiveness -- they were accurate when launched from almost 50 km away and left a crater nearly a kilometer wide. They were constructed from the densest baking ingredients known to man: flour which has been painstakingly extracted from the deep grain-mines of the Alps; water which has been taken from the Mariana trench itself; yeast colonies almost as large as a lumberjack's thumb. The loaves were cast, not baked -- each was placed into a thermally-resistant ceramic mold and lowered into a volcanic flow to temper; only once the lava cooled and solidified were they chipped out and recovered -- and the rising process itself took nearly a week and the distilled souls of three unwanted orphan children.

Yes, indeed. Those German Zerst�rungbroten were the most destructive long-ranged technology and delicious sandwich encasement available. Until replaced by the British rocket-propelled Yorkshire pudding, of course.

Pulp absurdity at its finest.

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 18:23:13 GMT

Quite possibly the most awesome artwork ever:

http://drmcninja.com/page.php?pageNum=23&issue=15

Fallen Arches

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 21:48:45 GMT

So, ever since my Primary Arch-rival, Cod Commando, has taken his last swim up in my grill (that statement is far more literal than you think it is. Who knew that his weaknesses were panko, butter, a light dusting of garlic powder and a frying pan), I've not chosen a new nemesis to replace him. Perhaps it is time to do so.

Having a nemesis is important. It gives you drive -- something you yearn to destroy as well as inspiration to monologue about. Your experiments suddenly gain focus, most often due to limited weaknesses narrowing your possible vectors for attack. It gives you a realistic goal to overcome, and the seeds for future plotting.

Picking an archenemy that matches you is important. If you choose too difficult, he or she (or it) is likely to wipe you out in their overexuberence. Choose to soft, and you break your nemesis before it even starts to get fun, and then you just feel like you've clubbed a baby seal. It's a careful balance that you must keep in mind, and you want them to be around long enough to get to know them, their weaknesses, and how they operate. Additionally, it gives that much more satisfaction when you can wipe out each of their hopes, dreams and loved one at a time before you destroy them or get revenge on their perceived slights against you the seventh time they've ransacked your secret island base in the south Pacific. You know, whatever.

So I logged onto the Guild's website and began browsing, even posting an ad. The following are some selections of the possible "upstanding citizens of strong moral fiber" that have applied to the guild for archenemies, with reasons for why I don't think it would work out between us.

Emoguy -- Most of his weapons involve bad poetry and hoodies. Wrecks his vehicles a lot due to bad haircut and likely to wipe himself out. Tries to get you to kill yourself by depressing you to the point of suicide. Cries a lot.

Pickles -- Too phallus-centric. Pickle injector functionally somewhat suspicious. Smells of dill.

French Tickler -- I won't even go into why arching this guy would be a bad idea.

Dr. Flatworm -- Somewhat disgusting. Uses legions of flatworms to gather intelligence, then blends them into a smoothie and drinks them, absorbing their knowledge. Suspect he could find his way through any maze I set at him.

The Waffle -- Uses batter-based attacks to slow enemies, then attempts to bake them into a crispy confectionary using a heat ray. Also, uses "Truth Syrup" and carries a mace with a waffle pattern on the business surface he calls "The Iron". Cannot decide between two plans, often changing his mind midstream. Would be easily defeeated by presenting two entrances to the same fortress of doom, and then just having both lead to a pit of spikes.

The head of Walt Disney -- Actually a villain moonlighting as an upstanding super hero. Ad is really only there for his cover story.

Rube Goldberg -- Develops complex contraptions to trap his lawbreakers that work well on paper, but are usually so fragile that they are easily defeated or rely on the victim standing still while the entire trap mechanism is released over the next 6 minutes.

Red Snapper -- Cod Commando's old sidekick. Don't want to be a rebound/revenge relationship. Suspect some trouble from this guy anyway, but would be easily defeated as any sudden pressure changes rupture his swim bladder.

Sportsfan -- I despise all of his sports facts, memorabilia-based weapons and clothing style. Enrages when taunted by the loss of his favorite teams. Punches hard.

Red Tape -- Never physically assaults your fortress, but ties you up in regulations, government bureaucracy, and accounting irregularities. Can generate loopholes at will. Accounting nightmare. Also: Communist.

Harelip -- Just... weird. Actual rabbit ears growing from his upper lip. Ugh.

Mr. Coffee -- I'd rather just be his friend. Mmmm... Coffee.

Reanimated Woodrow Wilson -- I disagreed mightily with his stance on the Treaty of Versailles (it's better to absorb defunct empires rather than create new ones!) and wouldn't want to open up THAT can of worms again.

It appears that it will be some time before I can separate the slurry from the ore to find the bullion of goodness that will be the nexus of my evil intentions.

Sometimes, it's hard being a supervillain. At least the pay and job satisfaction is astounding.

Prototype T1-GR

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 17:54:26 GMT

In my never-ending search for weapons and intelligence to assist in my bids for world domination, I often come across cleverly-hidden blueprints and secrets encoded into anecdotes, stories, and Wall Street financial reports transmitted between military contracting companies, various government agencies, and rural compounds in Montana. Sometimes they are resounding successes once built or implemented, and sometimes they are dismal failures due to a variety of reasons: impossible-to-maintain budgets; incorrect transpositions in imperial-to-metric conversions; the fact that they are just moonshine-laced ramblings of a psychotic, wood-alcohol blinded white-trash conspiracy nut hick who somehow got ahold of a computer and 512-bit encryption protocols (though these can be the best successes at times)...

Sadly, prototype T1-GR was one of the latter category. The upper portion was constructed of a rubber-epoxy composite that was as resilient as steel yet as flexible and malleable as a feline made of soft clay. The lower sections (including storage compartments and locomotive functionary limbs) were build using many, many springs with the highest ratio of compressed-thrust release to axial strain available while keeping a keen eye on impact fracture resistance -- no easy feat, I assure you!

Once put together and animated by lightning bolt (Castle Alyredia no longer need wait for a natural storm to accomodate my life-creating exprimentation requirements; this is the precise reason I've installed two giant Van De Graff generators in the power center), lab 7 was decimated by the high-velocity impacts of the beast itself as it ricocheted off of every item, wall, or surface within the room. What started as a mild quiver became a logarithmic acceleration sequence loop of energy release to begin momentum, impact with an object, random directional change, and back to launch. Luckily, we had used a lab encased in 6 feet of steel on each side. After 2 minutes sensors showed no stop in the acceleration of impacts, so rather than risk further destruction, lab 7 was launched into space towards the sun.

While it was "bouncy" as advertised, it was not "fun". I do suppose the wonderful thing about the T1-GR was that I only constructed one.

It is worth noting that with the destructive potential of prototype T1-GR, it could become an extremely useful weapon should we develop an anti-bounce containment and delivery vehicle.

Next experiment once Lab 7 has been rebuilt: construction of human child (male) using random cuttings, molluscs, and surgically-removed spinal extensions of young canis familiaris.

Corndogs for Breakfast

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 16:58:56 GMT

One of the wonderful things about being immortal is that to avoid slipping into a dormant state (wherein I have to wait for the power of the feeble star at the center of this backwater system to kick-start an emergency photorespiration/calvin cycle) due to lack of energy, I can power my biological components with nearly any foodstuff with little regard for its overall nutritive content aside from its mass that is easily converted into raw energy. Much like Unicron, whatever is ingested -- biological constructs, chemicals, robots, entire planetoids -- is quickly sorted and sent to the most efficient processing method and quickly broken down into the 387 specific amino acids and construction components any growing immortal needs.

The corndogs looked delicious, there in the case beside the dessicated BBQ snacks and burritos. I waited in line to exchange currency for my 32oz soda and small bag of chile and lime chips. The woman in front of me -- complete with what I assume was supposed to be a small, portable canine and/or rodent -- attempted to pay for the balance of a pack of cigarettes with two wadded-up dollar bills and an assemblage of small silver and copper-colored coins.

I was feeling benevolent, yet was in somewhat of a hurry so I saved her the trouble of spending so much over such a long period of time to end her existence (suicide is expensive in this country!) and incinerated her on the spot. Recollection of the tale indicates that I should be more considerate of the tobacco industry, struggling to earn their own living in this day and age, but what's done is done.

Plus, I was given the corndogs for free.

Inefficiencies.

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 22:56:45 GMT

It often surprises me how much faster I am at analyzing a situation and determining the most effective and efficient course of action than the average "unaugmented" human.

For instance, just a day ago I was recycling one of the many containers of bottles with deposits (the terrible economy hits us all), when one of the store attendants came out to service the machine because it was full. The place I must take my recyclables to, outside of Alyredia (when I'm not turning the metal into war machines), has automatic machines that count your containers for you. You insert one at a time, if it accepts it it crushes it and puts it in one of two bins underneath, locked behind a door. Since it appears the capacity of these containers is roughly 14, they are often marked as "full". So the attendant comes, and gets two empty bins from a pile, and rather than swapping the bins and putting the empty ones in, she attempts to pour the full bins into the empty ones.

Crushed bottles, of course, spill out everywhere. She has the two bins side-by-side and still manages to miss with about a quarter of the bottles.

Once she has completed, she takes the now-empty bin to the machine, puts it in, and against all rationality takes the second full bin and attempts to pour it into the empty one. Again, bottles scatter everywhere.

This weekend, at least a half-dozen similar examples performed the dance of the sugar-plum fairies in the area of my awareness (which is everywhere).

And yes, I just planted that song in your head. So concludes my 7-step plan for E-VIL in as much as you are concerned. Bwahahaha.

Sesquipedalian?

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 18:04:17 GMT

Trimming trees up to 3.5 meters is difficult work, when you only have a ladder and long-handled trimmers. Took about an hour and a half, and man, are my arms tired. No henchmen were available, so I had to do it myself.

Next time, I'm building a machine to do this for me. Bonus: If it goes insane and turns on the soft, unsuspecting meatbags that infest the domiciles surrounding my fortress of evil, I'll have my trees trimmed and vastly improved entertainment value for my property-ownership dollar. Now there's a bargain that's hard to pass up.

In fact, I might build that in as a standard option.

Twitter?

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 23:59:50 GMT

So I decided to see what all the craziness is about and created a twitter account. I have NO idea if I'll keep it updated or not, but you are welcome to follow it -- why? I don't know.

You'll be able to find it if you want to.

In other news, the small guild I am helping to run on World of Warcraft is doing well. We are starting to pull in other characters; looking forward to the "tipping point" where we start drawing in more characters than we can field in a raid, and then we can start turning people away. So far, however, we keep getting new people that suddenly develop life crises immediately after joining and are gone for weeks at a time -- some with notice, some without. So we keep recruiting and hope that we get a person here, a person there, who is serious about raiding with us, shows up, and does their homework.

Oh well. All part of my evil plan to dominate the world!!! ..of Warcraft.

I still wish there was more time in a day. Note to self: Once world is conquered, switch to a 28 hour day. Yes, it's even. Think about it.

800 RPM.

Thu, 28 May 2009 01:10:41 GMT

My infernal tutor once said, "If you don't have anything evil to do, don't do anything at all."

This was an apt description of my weekend.

The problem with being proper.

Thu, 14 May 2009 18:50:27 GMT

In the tumultuous days preceding the description of my island fortress being a "fixer-upper" (and therefore, the shutdown of this web journal), many had pontificated on an issue that those same will likely have already noticed has changed:

Why the fuck is your weblog so slow??!?!

To answer this question, we must look deep, deep back into time. Well, not really. We only have to look as far as BlogDrive's shitty coding. But a brief backstory might be helpful as well.

You see, when yours truly learned to design webpages, he learned the proper way to code, once the tools had been developed and put into place. The number one rule? Separate content from layout. CSS has made this a snap (in MOST places, anyway) and made it so that if I, say, wanted to change my entire layout it would be pretty easy and nothing of my content would be ruined.

All those neat, fun scripts around my page? Dynamic content? Those were scripts that were separated from the main page and stashed away into their own little folders. This good design methodology apparently caused my blog to take longer to load than it takes Helium to fission into Hydrogen. Seriously. I can make Deuterium faster by sheer willpower than it took my blog to load.

Going through and disabling scripts one at a time revealed it -- it took forever to load until I had disabled everything. So I started adding them in one at a time to the mainline code and template, and what do you know? ALL my scripts are now in-line (ugh) and everything loads a million times faster.

So, dear reader. I do hope that you enjoy the new, improved Blog of Elemental Evil; same as the old aside from having 200% more acceleronium. Yesss... partake of its pleasing, mind-numbing effects while you can -- because soon, you'll all be under my control.

Zerg Creep...

Wed, 13 May 2009 21:44:25 GMT

Well, well, well. What do we have here?

Returning to the wreckage of my island fortress may have been worth something after all. I've affected repairs on 90% of the systems, and with only a little work left to do (and the scant remains of my henchmen either revived from cryogenic sleep or hunted down and re-domesticated from their feral states) I'm happy to see that much of my data network remains intact.

Fresh with a new identity, college degree, and 82.6 awesome ounces of weapons-grade crushium stuffide from he-who-shall-remain-nameless-but-whose-name-if-said-would-rhyme-with-Schmaladin, I shall resume my assault on the mindless, teeming masses of lesser creatures describing themselves laughingly as humanity and/or the Republican party (one for subjugation, the other for throwing down the gauntlet and openly challenging my wickedness with their own -- the enemy of my enemy is my enemy, after all).

Wait, what? The Republican Party is crumbling under the weight of their own hubris (and Rush Limbaugh's considerable girth to boot)? Curses! I was looking forward to the challenge. Now it just feels like kicking a retarded puppy.

Perhaps it is time, then, to resume my campaign of world domination and the increase of butter pecan ice cream production. With my challenger to the title of Dictator-for-life a mockery of its former strength, there shall be no stopping me this time!

So long...

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 23:35:01 GMT

Well, it has been a good run, though I've been notably absent for over a year. Due to a lack of time to write, and the fact that Blogdrive's service has gone -- how shall we say -- in the gutter, I'm cancelling my subscription to their servers for the time being.

My blog takes far more time than should be to load, and I've not got half the graphics and crap that other blogs on this site have. Submission of a trouble ticket had no reply, so I can't see continuing to pay for a service that doesn't work acceptably.

I may continue this blog somewhere else; if I do ever have time and the inclination to continue writing, I shall post a new message here informing anyone who cares of its new location.

So long, and good luck.

Oxymoronic...

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 18:08:53 GMT

Allergies prove one of three things.

God does not exist, and additionally, evolution is a harsh mistress.
God is a moron and "Intelligent Design" isn't at all.
God is a sadistic, evil bastard.

My money's on 3.

A fly in the ointment...

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 00:44:41 GMT

Greetings again, mortals. As you can see, the reports of my ultimate demise have been... greatly exaggerated.

Due to a rather unfortunate alignment of the planets, a certain distraction on my part, and the knowledge of certain enemy operatives in the Republican party that somehow knew of an ancient ritual from beyond this plane, I was... indisposed... for a set period of time.

I come back to see that not much has changed: the oil companies and special interests are getting rich on war profiteering; the middle east still hates Israel; voters are still being disenfranchised at an alarming rate; and running around in the street naked and disoriented after suddenly returning from the nether-realm you were banished to is considered a faux pas in downtown Seattle (apparently).

So, with that little problem behind me I chartered a private plane with some of the funds in my hidden accounts in Zurich, and flew back to my island fortress.

To find it trashed. Not a henchman in sight, nor the subjugated populace, and a good portion of the fortress itself in still-smoking ruin. Those same malcontents that took advantage of my lapse in attention must have brought "freedom" to my tiny island nation. As if in confirmation, I spotted several oil derricks amongst the bombed ruin of the villages on the shores, and large, freshly-buried pits lay nearby. Scraps of paper blew through what were once streets, emblazoned with "Your freedom is nigh. Repent!"

Yup, our good friends in the American Administration.

Well, enough of this! I may not have my cheap, island labor anymore, but I do have my omnipotence, and that's not bad. And once I summon enough of my own infernal army back, I'll get you, Republican party, and your little dog too!

Unless, of course, you're too afraid to show your pasty-white faces.

Pandora's Box.

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 06:27:36 GMT

I'm disappointed in you.

6/6/06 comes, a day I pointed out roughly a year ago, and nothing really happens. Sure -- Hell, Michigan is living it up, but it's not the nuclear strike on Iran, the marching of the infernal armies, or the rebirth of the antichrist that I was hoping for.

You know what? You've really mellowed out in the past two hundred years or so. You didn't let 06/06/1006 pass without a boatload of mayhem, including the test run of the bubonic plague in the isolated village of Hemmlan, and the Massacre of the Fens. I'll never forget the beet famine in old Russia, either.

Look, man... If we need to do an intervention, we will. You're what makes Evil tick, for His sake.

Sheesh.

Something stupid this way comes...

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 20:48:38 GMT

"There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, 'fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me...' ...you can't get fooled again! You've got to understand the nature of the regime we're dealing with!" -George W. Bush.

I've had it. Like any other minions that fail me, I am cutting my ties with you incompetant, bumbling idiots. The oppressed masses are beginning to catch the scent of blood, no matter how dulled and diluted their senses have been by the constant media chum fouling the waters, and the feeding frenzy cannot be far off.

It is nearly inconceivable to me why the current advisors of the Pres-uh-dent of the United States would lead him down this path, unless his handlers and puppetmasters have turned on me in a bid to wrest control for themselves. Observe, Mr. Bush, in just the past few weeks, our current state of affairs and the setbacks to our master plan.

Lewis "Scooter" Libby testifies in front of a grand jury, and Patrick Fitzgerald (damn his hawkishness and actual willingness to do his job) files paperwork stating that Bush himself gave authorization to leak specific CIA classified information to reporters. Rather than use other, established tactics such as stripping Libby of his reputation and casting him out to the wolves, defaming him and smearing his name, having him killed, or allowing other distractions to take the American public's attention away (and the immigration blow-up going on right now was doing a lovely job -- another well-timed move initiated by "conservatives"...), you go on record as all but admitting to leaking that secret agent's identity to the press!

Stating that you "declassified" that information, and that is the right of the President might have worked if not for two things: One, that you stated very clearly at the beginning of the whole fiasco that you did not know of any leakers in the senior staff of your administration, and that you would fire anyone who you found out to have; and two, that you had recently placed laws into effect that stated quite explicitly that only the originating agency that it relates to can declassify information. Had you said this at the beginning, instead of promising to fire anyone in your administration found of leaking information, you might have gotten away with it. Now it just proves that you lied and then covered it up -- not a good mistake for a supposedly high-level minion of mine to make.
This whole... NSA wiretapping thing. I mean, Jesus. You can chip away at their constitution piece by piece and they'll never know until it is too late, but then you make the classic blunder so many have made before and grab for too much too soon! It comes to my attention that on April 20, 2004, around two years after you had ordered this domestic survelliance into place, you made a very public statement: "Now, by the way, any time you hear the United States government talking about wiretap, it requires � a wiretap requires a court order. Nothing has changed, by the way. When we're talking about chasing down terrorists, we're talking about getting a court order before we do so." You went on to repeat it several times in other speeches, using similar but different wording.

Now, you say you did it without a court order and will do it again to "protect the country." You've just been caught in a lie, ignoramus, and as soon as the majority of your public finds out and learns you can't be trusted any more than factory parts from Kia, they'll rise up against you in a sea of disapproval. Even your fixed voting machines won't save you. Your underlings have already started turning on you like hungry pihranas, as more and more leave and start attacking you because they know they won't be re-elected if they support you.

No, the "president" has no coattails, it's becoming increasingly clear. Therefore, I have decided to let you hang yourself, instead of the usual replace-your-blood-with-acid-and-feed-you-to-the-sharks-and-drop-a-giant-hairdryer-in-the-tank method I usually use to eliminate minions who have failed me. Your way is much more fun to watch.

Especially once Rove and Cheny join forces and turn on you like rabid heyenas.

Cyanide Soup for the Soul.

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 16:44:39 GMT

I'm thinking of making that phrase this weblog's subtitle. Kind of catchy, if I do say so myself.

Wow, what a week. After experiencing another ... minor ... accident in the labs, one of my good henchmen got sick. I swear, it's like this happens every year -- and the only side-effect superpower he was able to acquire from it was the ability to infect others, including yours truly.

Of course, I may have gotten it from someone or something else, but blaming him is so much more convenient.

This morning, Dubai conveniently pulled out of the ports deal, leaving your illustrious president relieved at not having to deal with it anymore. The only consolation is that the rest of the Rape-ublican party will no longer have a way to play "good cop" for the Americans. How were they doing that, you ask? I'll tell you, since I'm still pissed about being cut out of that sweet deal.

Right now in congress, your pathetic little "elected officials" have been scrambling to find a way to distance themselves from the coattails of the president's plummeting approval ratings. Bush doesn't give a damn about anything political right now, and he and Cheney's only goal right now is to ~~steal~~ make as much money as possible for themselves and their cronies before their term ends or they get booted out of their office by a mob of angry villagers with pitchforks and torches (what I like to call the former middle-class). You see, enough rape-ublican congressmen and senators are up for re-election in districts (that conclusively show that their constituency is pissed at the current administration's policies) that either or both of the senate or house may be lost to them -- and possibly by quite a large margin. They know that they can't steal more than about 10% through rigged voting machines without the country finally waking up to their treachery.

Most dictatorships would simply deal with that by quashing it with the military, but since Bush's dictatorship has sent most of their military to Iraq, they kind of left themselves open to a blindsiding. Ah well, you win some, you lose some.

Anyway, simply put, the rape-ublicans needed something to rally behind, to show the rest of the country that they still believe in conservative values, still care about national security, aren't in it just for whatever they can grab from the likes of Jack Abramoff or big corporations, etc. etc. ad nauseam. They had planned to use the NSA Wiretapping deal to do this: Go against Bush, fight for the rights of the "mythical little guy", and preserve the constitution all while passing laws that essentially turns that venerable document into so much used toilet paper (and incidentally, getting Bush off the hook by making what he did legal. Funny, neh?).

Then along came Dubai, and sat down beside them. Once the news picked up on this little gem, Karl Rove giggled with glee! Here was something even better than the NSA deal to allow the rape-ublicans to distance themselves, and there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell of Bush getting impeached over it! The NSA wiretapping investigation quietly went away, killed in the night like so many of Bush's past records and deeds: they struck a "deal" with democrats that no investigation would be held. Meanwhile, Dubai withdraws, and while it's not as complete of a victory as it would have been had the legislation been fought over and ultimately winning, it still gives the rape-ublicans up for re-election something to point to and say, "Look! See? I care about national security and ... stuff!" They hope to hold onto their majority, and keep the president from being impeached before he can bring all of his plans to fruition.

My question is: where are all the Democrats that swore to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States? Spying on American Citizens without any sort of warrant (called unreasonable search and seizure) is expressly forbidden in that document. There are laws in place that allow it to happen, but Bush and cronies have repeatedly refused to follow them and will even do it again whenever they like. FISA allows them to do survelliance on American citizens, but only if approving it with a top-secret government court within 72 hours after the fact, and the administration refuses to even do this simple step to make what they are doing legal. Why? As we've heard many times from this very government, "If you have nothing to hide then you've got nothing to fear." They are obviously doing something with this information that would not be approved, or are spying on people they shouldn't be, even under the wide-open laws established by the USA PATRIOT act.

Who are they spying on? My money's on their political opponents and business competitors. After all, it's what I would do.

But then, your constitution prevents dictators from coming to power in your little backwater nation, doesn't it?

Jesus loves you...

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 20:00:00 GMT

...and he shares your hatred of fags and communists.

Dubai has out-maneuvered me.

Yes, I've said it: Somehow, though Alyredia is a "Christian" nation (bringing all the economic benefits and shielding that such a status brings regarding the people of the United States, such as no-bid contracts and impunity from oversight and close scrutiny -- how could I be both "Christian" and evil, they ask?), all of my careful plotting, palm-greasing and outright threat(s) of biological apocalypse have come to naught in regards to legally taking control of the main in-roads to the heartland itself: the ports.

Yes, somehow, through sweetheart deals brokered by that traitorous lich currently occupying the white house's top seat (by this I mean Dick Cheney), Dubai World Ports (a state-owned company -- subject to all whims of an unstable, radical arab congolmeration of sultans that support the Taliban, hate America and has a worse human rights record than Alyredia and the Sudan combined) has almost secured that coveted position I so desired. Yes, instead of me, it will be the same sultans that financially backed the 9/11 hijackers that will be getting port security procedures, information about troop contingents, and forewarning of any raids or inspection schedules for contraband searches.

Curse you, oil-rich "nation" of Dubai!

Because if I had a soul it would be a spiteful one, I have decided to reveal the other bids for control of national interests that the Bush "administration" has decided to lease to foreign entities.

Border patrol - North division, between U.S. and Canada.
Yes, in a stunning move, the government -- figuring that you "need to be a terrorist to catch a terrorist" has offered this lucrative position to none other than the premiere terrorist organization in the world, Al Queda itself. No word yet on "The Queda's" (official government term to increase market acceptability) bid for homeland security.
Border Patrol - South Division, between U.S. and Mexico.
The Mexican government has long had a policy to help "Emigrants" from their country to become "Immigrants" to the United States, with official government pamphlets on how to cross the border and what to do if caught. By bidding on the border crossing guard duties, the Mexican government saves billions in printing costs. It also prevents the high cost of getting literate people that can write in "Mexicese", or whatever language it is they speak there.
U.S. Treasury.
With the entire country filled with dead and deposed millionaires trying to get their money out from under the oppressive and corrupt government, the Nigerians made a huge bid for control of our treasury, in which the Nigerians will allow the U.S. Government to keep 10% of their money for supplying their bank account information and social security numbers.
Third World Aid Coordination.
Long something that the conservative movement has wanted to do away with altogether, a bargain has been struck to privatize it and sell its management off to other countries. The top three bidders so far: Haiti, the Sudan and Ethiopa. Analysts predict near-instantaneous ruin for the program as the winning country immediately moves the operation and all sundries offshore and into the country most in need -- theirs.
U.S. Atomic Energy Commission.
As the Iranians are almost there already, it seems like a perfect match. Remember, it's only for atomic energy. They'd never dream of refining that material into weapons grade. Or using that intricate knowledge of security procedures to make some of it .. er, "disappear."

So, there you go, America. Have fun being oppressed by your new corporate and governmental masters. We could have had so much fun together, you and I... but alas, I'll have to revert to my original plan of taking your pathetic country by force.

A wish list for 2005.

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 00:27:06 GMT

Yes, my dear readers; spies; hated enemies -- I have returned, if (perhaps) only provisionally. I've been taking a hiatus in a small south-pacific island nation run by cannibals and slowly being overrun by American business with exclusive Bush Administration contacts. The hotels are great, and the night-time scuba diving has been fantastic. Cheap labor abounds.

The local McDonald's situation is a bit more troublesome, however.

Well, I shall be brief and get to the point. Soon, your "senate" and your "house of representatives" shall be voting (or already have voted) to confirm Justice ~~Satan~~ Samuel Alito to the lifetime appointment of swing-vote justice on the supreme court.

With as "moderate" and *snicker* "reasonable" as he is, and all of your complete lack of noticing that he will say anything to get what he wants, I have a wish list that I'd like to see enacted in the next 30 years of his appointment. After all, as everyone knows, politics is all about buying favors, and since I brokered your rise to power, Mr. Alito... I intend to collect. Besides, this is right up your alley.

Without further ado:

Repeal the constitution.
Without a doubt, this silly piece of paper has been the most troublesome obstacle in the continued effort to take over the free world. Just look: Countries like Russia, Afghanistan, and Liberia don't need a constitution, and those are paradises on your pathetic little planet of earth.
Loosening of environmental laws:
Which would you rather have? Stupid, clean air or some extra profits for the poor, starving executives of Exxon/Mobil? Please, think of the executives.
Repeal of Roe vs. Wade.
This one should be obvious. The killing of innocent women, children and unborn babies should at the discretion of the government alone with bombs from a distance, not some woman exposing her sexual organs to a man she's not married to for the sole purpose of killing blastocysts. I mean, come on -- they must get some kind of sick sexual thrill out of it or something.
Relegation of women's status back to property.
Why stop at Roe vs. Wade? Let's bring back the real "rule of thumb." Educated women have been a problem since at least the 50's, when they had the audacity to challenge the time-honored stance that there is no such thing as marital rape. Who do these women think they are? People? Besides, having women as property again is just one step away from the re-institution of slavery.
Loosening of arms-export laws.
Again, this is probably obvious. I've been looking to get my hands on some weapons of mass destruction, but so far, they keep telling me that they "don't have any." Do they think I'm stupid? I can see them right over there behind the white phosphorous bombs, next to the VX nerve gas in the world despot auctions. Probably have them reserved to sell to someone special, like Kim Jung-il or Putin.

Non Sequitur. Discoverer of the fountain of Fallacy.

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 00:23:28 GMT

I heard someone today say something amusing.

"Since George Bush has been president, we haven't had another terrorist attack. That proves he's done a good job." - anonymous idiot on the street.

Indeed. I've heard this before, but to extend his logic:

We haven't been attacked by aliens either, so he's probably better at his job than a Democrat.

We haven't been randomly sucked into a free-floating black hole, so he must control gravity!

The sun hasn't run out of fuel, so he probably produces hydrogen in copious quantities!

Want to play with non sequiturs? How about these:

Foreign-based terrorist attacks on American Soil before George W. Bush came into office: 0
Number of space shuttles exploding in Repubilcan administrations: 2
Number of US troops that have died on foreign soil since George Bush was "elected": 2154.

Oh wait. That last one's not exactly a non sequitur, is it?

Mark my words. Before this war is done, more soldiers will have been killed by Bush's policies than died in 9/11. That's not even counting all the casualties of Iraqi civilians, which Bush puts at a casual 30,000. Who is more evil, Osama or Bush? The world may never know.